I nearly forgot Throw me Thursday this week what with the tizzy of NaNoWriMo biting away at my soft little heals. I took this suggestion out of context, as usual, and went with what I was most strongly reminded of. @JulesJeffs said, “@PennyJars When I read my child’s diary entry about today it said…” And that reminded me of my mom, who probably read every word I ever wrote when I wasn’t looking.
Ma wouldn’t talk when I came home, just sat there in her rocking chair with her jumbo words search and a grunt.
Shit, I thought, she knows were I was. But she didn’t, not really. She never called to check out my stories.
She didn’t look up.
“What’s going on?” I asked. She stared at me. Shit.
“I found your pills,” she said in The Voice.
“What?” I said, “What pills?”
The Voice said, “Your birth control pills.”
Before I could accuse her of sneaking around she covered with, “I was putting your clothes away and they fell out of the closest.”
I just stood there waiting for the bricks to come tumbling down, knowing nothing just fell out of my closest.
Knowing her delight in finding things out.
This thing, though, needed time for finding. Like an overnight at the boyfriend’s house, that kind of time.
The Voice said, “I don’t know why you have to be so stupid.”
“Stupid? I’m taking care of myself. You should be happy for that!”
This woman pushed me from her body feet first with no drugs, no C-section, no husband holding her hand. She gave me a name, raised me up, fed and clothed me and never, not ever mentioned anything close to relating to womanhood, sexuality, or even how to shave my legs.
I had to figure it out, talk to friends, learn in school.
And that’s what I was avoiding.
One week before my 18th birthday and she still thought she could get by on ignoring the fact that she had a daughter in the house with a boyfriend who might, just maybe, possibly could, be doing a little more than holding hands.
I ran to my room.
The Voice said, “And your grounded!”
Ma just strapped on a verbal chastity belt with no lock. Who’s to say I wouldn’t just take off anyway?
But I didn’t. I wouldn’t. I stayed in that apartment until I turned 18. I stayed until I graduated from high school four months later. I stayed two days after that. She knew I’d be gone. I’d come out running.