Today is my 6 year Homeiversary. I’m sitting on a toilet seat with a head full of Garnier Black Tea dye waiting for it take. I wonder how much of this stuff has already seeped too far into my follicles and done irreparable harm. With the exception of a six month lapse of reason, I’ve been fake for more than half my lifetime.
I like being dark. I look unrelated to myself.
If you want to know something I believe, I believe this: only when we are very first born are we completely ourselves. After that we become a compilation of everyone and everything surrounding us. Ourselves are then a conglomerate of experience.
We are unique in the way a stone is unique.
Think of it this way–you are a flake of mud tripping down a hill gathering dust, pollen, dew and all the while you are changing, growing, experiencing. This is the self we understand within ourselves.
I believe artists try to etch away at the dust and dew, to uncover the first flake in an attempt to make an honest connection. Writing is the same.
I believe everyone is trying to find connection.
I don’t believe in a Church. I’ve tried, but it’s of no consequence. I don’t believe in a guru or a Way or a one book.
I believe in connection. I believe in the way we need people, that in talking with someone honestly we are the closest to God. I believe that if I tell you this you will understand.
My family of origin does not talk. We do not see or understand eachother, we do not have a connection. I find it easy to move from them as I’ve seen them move from eachother throughout my lifetime. Blood and bone does not make real in understanding.
When I sit here and I write down whatever odd thoughts come to me, when I tell you how ridiculous I am to sit in my tiny bathroom on a toilet seat and dye my hair, I’m laughing at myself, but I’m also inviting you to know me in any simple way that works.
This is something I overheard at a coffee shop: Remember, it’s people that matter.
And to you, what really matters? What do you believe?
UPDATED: The movie Little Miss Sunshine is glorious.